I was sitting on the side of the road in an affluent neighborhood in Princeton, NJ, desperately trying to calm down my screaming baby. I still had a 30-minute drive home after another ‘just to make sure’ trip to his doctor. When we left the doctors office I just knew I could still take that call I had for work. When my son started losing it in the back seat I pulled over and tried to soothe him while I talked to a co-worker. The nanny in me was shocked that I didn’t reschedule the call - this work call was just one of the many things I swore I would never do as a mom, back when I was a nanny.
After 23 years of working as a nanny, I became a mom and all of my advice soon seemed entirely unrealistic and grossly optional when I felt awake enough to care. After I was married and our baby was born we hoped I would be able to manage working from home without childcare help, but after this side of the road phone call and a few more like it, we realized these expectations were unrealistic. We decided to hire a nanny and I have since come up with a few philosophies after going from being nanny to hiring a nanny for my own child.
There is no room for jealousy. I thought about the kids I cared for as a nanny and remembered thinking I would feel jealous if I was their mom. When I hired my own nanny, and my baby fell in love with her I was relieved. I wasn’t jealous at all. He knows who his mom is and that won’t change; no matter how much time he spends with her. My boy considers our nanny as a part of his family and so do I. Now I don’t feel guilty for working because I know my boy is with someone he loves and I am a better mom to him after crossing work off my to-do list.
Teaching respect starts in the home. As the mom, I know that a paycheck at the end of the week isn’t the same as appreciation. I tell our nanny often how much I appreciate her and how much our son loves her. I might not have known how important this was to hear if I didn’t crave this myself as a nanny. Respecting his nanny has been a great learning lesson for my boy as well. He knows she is charge and respects her. He gets away with much less with her and I like that he doesn’t push those boundaries. We also both say “thank you” to her at the end of her working hours.
Letting go. When I was a nanny, I loved the kids I cared for. I still think of them often, sometimes daily. When I had my own son I never imagined this love would turn to terror. My heart was walking around on the outside of me. I felt so vulnerable having my own child. Bringing a stranger into my home to take care of my kid seemed to bring out fears I didn’t know I would feel. From personal experience being a nanny I know would have trusted me, so I gave my nanny the benefit of the doubt. When I realized she was the same level of crazy as I was when it came to my son’s safety, she was in!
No judging. I remember when I worked with a mom who was struggling with the thought of no longer breastfeeding her 6-month-old son, I didn’t understand why it was so difficult and stressful for her. She came to me for...advice? Permission to stop?-- whatever it was, I didn’t give it to her because I didn’t know what she needed at the time. After my own struggles with breastfeeding, I realize now that she was afraid of the judgement that goes a long with not breastfeeding. I’ve learned there are million scenarios and perceptions of what kind of mom other people think you should be. There isn’t one right way to mother. Moms don’t need to feel bad or embarrassed for being human. Everyone that matters will appreciate you being real.
Your nanny’s job is more important than yours. Let’s face it. Her job is to take care of your children. Is there anything more important? I believed it as a nanny and I believe it now. Not only could I not do my job effectively if I was worried about my boy, but I actually couldn’t even do my job if she didn’t do hers.
After being a nanny and then becoming a mother myself, I have a much different opinion of what it takes to be a working mom. Since becoming a mom my childcare advice has changed, but my personal experience working with a nanny is still on point. I wouldn’t change my job or being a mother for the world. For the past few years I have worked training families and international nannies. I teach them the methods that had worked for me with when I was a nanny and now I implement everything I have learned as well from raising my own child. My conversations with the parents and nannies have all become coated with a ‘I totally hear ya’ glaze, and ‘You can do this.’ Moms and nannies do hard things!
Bio: Janine Snyder has been in the childcare industry for 25 years. She worked as a full-time nanny for 12 years until she had her own baby and now her job is to work and support parents and with nannies from all over the world, as Au Pair Sis with Go Au Pair.
